How Many Calories Do You Burn Having Sex

Author: Sexual Diversity
Author Contact: Sexual Diversity (SexualDiversity.org)
Published: 11th Oct 2014 - Updated: 10th Sep 2022
Peer-Reviewed Publication: N/A
Additional References: Sexuality Publications

Summary: Find out the number of calories you burn during sex, sexual activities, foreplay, and other sex positions.

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Main Document

It has been said that the first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. If sex was terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days...

It has been estimated that having sex for a half hour burns approximately 150 to 200 calories and sometimes maybe as high as 350 calories if you are really active in bed. The calories burned during sex are roughly the equivalent of fast walking, jogging, or weight lifting for around thirty minutes.

A tongue in cheek look at the number of calories you burn during sex per sexual activity, foreplay, and other sex positions...

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

• Swooning = 6 calories
• Palpitations = 10 calories
• Shortness of breath = 5 calories
• Perspiring = 8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

• A less than sunny disposition = 1 calorie

Recovering From Sex

• Un entwining = 3 calories
• Regaining motor control of pelvis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) = 7 calories
• Standing up = 9 calories
• Getting some juice = 11 calories

Calories Burned After Sexual Intercourse

• (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) = 18 calories

During Intercourse

• (Women find this to be a subtle yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) = 32 calories
• During foreplay (Indicates either an advanced case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) = 12 calories
• Avoiding the wet spot = 80 calories

Trying Again

• If the woman is ready = 5 calories
• If the man is not = 156 calories

The Act of Insertion

• Man is ready (same vice versa) = 1/4 calories
• If the woman is not ready for sex (same vice versa) = 274 calories

Satisfying Partner Sexually (penis size)

Most experts agree that penis size means nothing. In those rare instances where a man has a small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder. whereas a man with a huge organ might not have to work as hard.

• Normal size penis = 22 calories
• Oversize = 15 calories
• Tremendous = 8 calories
• Teensy weensy = 163 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women:

• 2 = 14 calories
• 5 = 30 calories
• 8 = 47 calories

(Depending on her recovery rate, a woman can enjoy aroundeight8 orgasms within an hour without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, she may experience a form of "reduced sanity" that temporarily interferes with her ability to make the beds and cook supper.)

For Men:

• 2 = 21 calories
• 3 = 39 calories
• 4 = 57 calories

(Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. However, a man who tries to achieve more than ten orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms

• Clitoral. = 15 calories
• Vaginal = 21 calories
• Penile = 21 calories
• Scrotile = 15 calories
• Rectal = 25 calories
• Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) = 30 calories

Sex Related Noises

• Short gasps (per gasp) = 3 calories
• Wheezing = 5 calories
• Squeals = 4 calories
• Ecstatic moaning = 11 calories
• Low growling = 8 calories
• Squishing = 10 calories
• Shouting = 16 calories
• Screaming = 18 calories
• Urgent begging = 22 calories
• Any short speech giving partner directions ("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more".) = 25 calories

Calories Burned in Various Sex Positions

• Man on top, woman on bottom = 20 calories
• Woman on top, man on the bottom (Many women find that this position affords a better view of the clock.) = 25 calories
• From the rear = 40 1/2 calories
• Standing Both partners of equal height = 18 calories
• Standing Woman 1 foot taller than a man = 90 calories

Sex Locations

• On a bar stool = 20 calories
• Rear of a car = 38 calories
• In a phone booth, standing = 14 calories
• In a phone booth, lying down = 274 calories
• On an airliner, aisle seat = 24 calories
• On an airliner, middle seat = 42 calories
• On an airliner, window seat = 30 calories
• On an airliner, in the lavatory = 100 calories

Calories Burned Having Orgasm

• Real = 27 calories
• Faked = 160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

• Expression didn't change = 1/2 calorie
• Face turned purple = 15 calories
• Orchestra swelled = 6 calories
• Magical explosions = 10 calories
• Blazing Sheets = 25 calories
• Earth moved = 30 calories
• Vesuvius erupted = 47 calories
• You began moaning in Latin = 60 calories

Pulling Out

• After orgasm = 1/4 calorie
• A few moments before orgasm = 500 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

• Bouncing = 7 calories
• Sliding around = 9 calories
• Serious Skidding = 12 calories
• Full cartwheel = 20 calories
• Whiplash = 27 calories
• Knee burn = 6 calories
• Chafed elbows = 5 calories
• Chafed nose = 11 calories

Approaching Sexual Orgasm

• Letting go = 5.5 calories
• Controlling yourself =79 calories
• Digging nails into your partner's back = 11 calories
• Trembling = 15 calories
• Shaking = 20 calories
• Shuddering = 25 calories
• Trying to keep eyes open = 33 calories

Premature Ejaculation

• During insertion = 2 calories
• During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) = 5 calories
• During foreplay = 3 calories
• Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) = 4 calories

For Women

• Frustration = 8 calories
• Anger = 15 calories
• Violent mood swing = 20 calories
• Surpressing rage = 25 calories
• Not suppressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) = 65 calories

For Men:

• Cursing = 10 calories
• Apologising = 3 calories
• Snivelling = 5 calories
• Pleading for mercy = 8 calories
• Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) = 15 calories

Dreaming

• Regular dream = 2 calories
• Wet Dream
• Add five calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
• Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories
• Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) = 20 calories

Group Sex

• Introducing yourself = 3 calories
• Overcoming shyness = 8 calories
• Swapping partners, willingly = 4 calories
• Swapping partners, unwillingly = 62 calories
• Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) = 16 calories
• Mixed doubles = 26 calories
• Being nice to everyone = 100 calories
• Anger (You suddenly realize that you're wanted for your body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) = 10 calories
• Finding your clothes = 5 calories

Typical Sex Related Fears

• Partner hates me for what I did = 4 calories
• Partner hates me for what I didn't do = 8 calories
• Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual =10 calories
• Climaxing too soon = 5 calories
• Climaxing too late = 6 calories
• Not climaxing = 20 calories
• Partner thinks of me as a sex object = 9 calories
• Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object = 47 calories
• Partner will neglect to administer last rites should I not recover from orgasm = 88 calories

Personal Fears

• Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm = 6 calories
• Stretch marks that look like a plowed field = 8 calories
• Penis envy = 72 calories

Masturbation

• For pleasure only = 6 calories
• For exercise, too = 10 calories
• For relief from tension = 12 calories
• To pass the time = 7 calories
• To avoid overeating = 16 calories
• To get in touch with inner self = 10 calories
• To get in touch with outer self =10.5 calories
• To avoid insanity = 24 calories
• To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) = 9 calories
• Using your hand(s) = 11 calories
• Using your finger(s) = 9 calories
• Using tweezers = 2 calories
• Using an inflatable doll = 24 calories
• Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) = 19 calories
• Using a vibrator, hand=operated =12 calories
• Using a vibrator, windup = 9 calories
• Using a vibrator, electric = 5 calories
• Using anything not mentioned here = 50 calories
• In a pornographic movie theater = purchasing the ticket = 2.5 calories
• In a pornographic movie theater = finding isolated seat = 78 calories
• In a pornographic movie theater = adjusting raincoat = 3 calories

Getting Caught

• By partner's spouse = 60 calories
• By your spouse = 60.5 calories
• Trying to explain = 165 calories
• Stuttering = 28 calories
• Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse=whether understanding and open=minded, or narrow=minded and armed) = 40 calories

Almost Getting Caught

• Trying to remain calm = 100 calories
• Fright (includes trembling) = 66 calories
• Leaping out of bed = 25 calories
• Getting dressed in one large motion = 300 calories
• Thanking partner quickly = 2 calories
• Jumping out of window add 5 calories if window wasn't open = 15 calories
• Landing = 1 calorie
• Running very fast = 50 calories