A Lack of Ideas: Sexy Edition

Author: Tsara Shelton
Author Contact: Sexual Diversity (SexualDiversity.org)
Published: 27th Oct 2022
Peer-Reviewed Publication: N/A
Additional References: Tsara's Column Publications

Summary: I'd like to expand on the value of cultivating and exploring a diversity of ideas in order to have healthier, sexier, happier sex.

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Main Document

When we encourage people who are generally underrepresented in our storytelling to share stories of sex and romance with us, we are exposed to a diversity of ideas that can lead to healthier sexuality for everyone.

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My popular article - the one in which I admit to being someone who does not have new ideas - was originally written with my Autism Answers Facebook Page audience in mind. The audience there is primarily gathered to discuss parenting or autism, or parenting and autism, with me.

Here, though, I'd like to expand on the value of cultivating and exploring a diversity of ideas in order to have healthier, sexier, happier sex.

It's kind of a new thing I've been thinking about, this need for more ideas to grow a healthier sexual society. I know, I know, I said I am someone who does not have new ideas, but that doesn't mean I don't think about new things. It's just that, I confess, I rarely come up with the new things to think about without it first being recommended by someone else.

Which, in fact, is the point I want to make: those of us who tend to do things the way they are being done, who politely find their way in the world by looking to see how they can contribute to what is already happening, are often at risk of not entirely seeing what's happening.

It is by being surrounded by difference, diversity, open minds, and willing sharers, that we are able to better understand how our society is affecting us. All of us.

When my lover originally asked how I wanted to be touched, what I wanted during sex, I didn't know the answer. I wanted to know, I tried to know, and with his help, I now do know. But it took time. It took an unveiling of discoveries, layer by layer. This is not news, that it takes time and communication to discover ourselves sexually. But why was it so scary? Why was I so unsure? Why did I not know how to communicate? Not only with my partner, but with myself?

Partly, I think, it's because sex is a raw, naked, vulnerable act. Part of the beauty is the uncertainty, the headiness, the private thoughts feeding the private act.

But also it is because though most of us are willing to say, "Communication is key to a healthy sexual relationship," it is less common to see that communication exampled for us. And in part that is because we do not have a whole lot of diversity in our sexual stories.

Love stories in popular books, movies, and songs generally depict two fairly attractive people of a fairly attractive age, almost always with bodies and brains that function in the most common way. That's not too problematic since, after all, those love stories are common. But the sexual conversations in those stories are generally just jokes, or superficial. It's almost as if, without something different to strike up a need for the conversation, we all pretend sex is as simple as, well, having sex and deciding to like it.

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Illustration of a pencil and the written word idea.

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But it is not. And when I - a person, as I said, who is not good at new ideas - saw it is done that way, I felt I was supposed to do it that way. Find someone, have sex, and like it. But I could not. So many people cannot.

We need to see more. Get more ideas.

If we watched, read, and listened to more tales of love and sex that included people with disabilities, for example, we would by necessity be part of an intimate conversation that detailed pleasure for someone slightly different, or vastly so. Someone who is visually impaired may want more words during sex in order to feel safe, or someone with a sensory challenge may ask that certain types of touch be avoided, or someone with limited mobility may ask for help with movement. When we are exposed to these sorts of intimacies, we are encouraged to consider these ideas. And these kinds of conversations with our partners can be so meaningful.

If sexy stories are diverse, more willing to discuss real feelings and show us more colors and shapes and styles, we will get ideas for what we might also like, what might not be broken or too strange about us, how to talk about these things, how to feel more comfortable with what we might have to say, with what our partners might have to say. We will see the whole person in more people, and reach out accordingly.

There is danger in not doing this, because we are sexual beings. We seek sexual experiences and pleasure. Hence, learning to do so in a world that shows us how to care, how to discuss our pleasure, how to say yes and how to say no, how to understand each other and see more ideas of what is and isn't sexy, will help us avoid secretive desires or fears that can become malignant.

I don't seek a lot of sexual storytelling, I admit that. But I am a fan of stories and I do seek diverse storytellers. I seek them because I have discovered that their new ideas, coming from places where new ideas are often necessary for survival, ignite an entirely bigger way of thinking in me. A way that grows my own way of seeing my world, and myself.

I have been mostly able to work within the ideas that exist, but I was not unharmed by them. Sexually, I found myself trying to act like they do in the movies and wishing I looked like them. I knew better, I was there when my mom helped all of my autistic brothers through puberty, helping them respond to their sexual desires in private appropriate ways that did not refuse their difference or mean stifling their true interests. So I knew sex was worth meaningful discussions and discoveries. Was not only for typical types with typical kinks. But I wasn't seeing much proof of that.

When I did see it, I noticed. I've seen and read sex scenes where partners are so close and clear, willing to speak up or laugh or fumble about, all while being aware of and attentive to anyone involved, which helped me have the idea to want something similar in my own relationship.

So, people who do not fit the system, who need us to be willing to see more, and who are able to have new ideas and express them, are my greatest gift.

I know I am not alone in this. I know I am not the only one in the world who tends to try and work with the world as it is. And if you are older, like I am, you may also have noticed that all the times you were bravely introduced to new ideas, ideas that you were willing to explore yourself, you learned something amazing. Sometimes, you don't agree with the new idea but you see why it was born. Often, you do agree with it and you can't believe you never noticed the need for it before.

I guess what I'm saying is thank you, and please keep sharing. If you have a new idea, something not mainstream but clear to you - a new way to educate, to love, to work, to build a city, to run a business, to maintain health, to live sustainably - and you are willing to stand out, to seem strange, in order to share with us, thank you. And please, continue.

I am just one person, but your new ideas have helped save me, helped me raise my children, and helped me become better. I want to continue becoming better.

Forever making room for new ideas is necessary if we are going to thrive.

A lack of ideas is not the fault of ideas but the fault of idea seekers.

Let's be better idea seekers.

It's sexy.

Author Credentials:

Tsara Shelton, author of Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself, is a contributing editor to SexualDiversity.org

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