Once Upon a Time

Author: Tsara Shelton
Author Contact: Sexual Diversity (SexualDiversity.org)
Published: 30th Nov 2022 - Updated: 9th Dec 2022
Peer-Reviewed Publication: N/A
Additional References: Tsara's Column Publications

Summary: In this story of my first sexual fantasy, I strip naked influences that helped create it.

Main Document

The door is completely closed, right? I double check it. It is.

Alone on my bed, alone in this room, the door is closed, the sounds of family upstairs, far away. Should I lock the door? No, that would be too obvious. I will keep my ears aware and on guard. This won't take long anyway.

I had been doing that thing my little sister hated: I had been playing with my Barbie's and imagining they were sexy with each other.

Once upon a time: a girl lives naked and wild in the woods, friendly with and adored by all the living creatures there. Plants and animals alike. But there is a stirring in her that she cannot share with them. A stirring that creates heat between her legs and a desire to be kissed and touched in ways she is unable to penetrate. She knows it's sex she wants, she's seen the animals do it often enough, but she does not know what to imagine or how exactly it is done in her own species because in this respect she is alone in these woods. She sneaks away from her animal friends and finds a grand tree, voluptuous with leaves, great with girth. It will hide her well as she explores herself, probes this heat and desire. However, unknown to her there is a nature photographer hidden near that tree (my Donny Osmond doll). He is surprised to witness this naked beautiful woman and is tempted to snap a photo, just to have proof of her existence. Or, if the photo reveals she is imaginary, so be it. It is a beautiful imagining. He watches her sit next to the tree, he sees her peek around and is distracted by the innocent look of her. For a moment he does not realize her hands are caressing; one hand is caressing the moist grass near her buttocks while the other is caressing between her legs. He's surprised at first, then turned on. He decides it is necessary to look away, and so he does. But looking away hurts, such beauty being stolen too quickly is painful. He returns to watching and is unsure if he is wrong to do so.

At this point in my Barbie play I had gotten myself so excited I wanted to do as my girl in the woods was doing. I wanted to use my hand to bring an end to the suffering of my own desire.

With the door certainly closed and me alone on my bed, I closed my eleven-year-old eyes and tried to complete the story.

But I was not sure how.

If he keeps watching but does not introduce himself, does not let her know she isn't alone, it doesn't excite me enough. I want her to be touched by someone other than herself. If he steps out of his hiding place, perhaps she invites him to touch her? I like that but don't know how to imagine it.

Girls are generally sexy and desirable to men, I know this at eleven. But they are slutty tramps if they want sex and they are frigid or teases if they don't, I know this too. How do I imagine her wanting the sex without making her slutty? How do I imagine her denying the sex, so she isn't slutty, but allowing it, so I can imagine the sex, without making her pathetic?

I decide to imagine he waits. She is out of breath from the exploration of herself and the resulting explosion of pleasure through her body. Indeed, an explosion that brought her outside of her body. My plan is to imagine him introducing himself and her being surprised to meet a man of her species, she is comfortable in her nudity and interested in his lack of it. In her innocence she touches him and wants to undress him, more out of curiosity but she is also aware of a sexual desire, and I think this can be okay for not making her a tramp since she's simply natural and sweetly so. But I don't know how to go from this vision to one where he is fucking her. It seems too aggressive.

With my own hand pushing on my panties and a feeling I am ready to burst, I find myself imagining she fell asleep, she is deeply asleep, and his intention is to take a few photos for proof of her existence but her beauty, her sexiness, is too much and he can't stop himself from kissing her, tenderly so as not to wake her, in all the sexy places where her hands had been roaming only a while before....

My own excitement at imagining this necessary tenderness, and her not having to know what to do to be good at sex, not having to be called a tramp or frigid, just being so sexy and irresistible and not responsible, brings me over the moon and I push deep into my panties and experienced the biggest orgasm I'd had until that point.

I used a version of this idea, necessary (not romantic) tenderness, not having to be good at sex, not having to be name called, simply being irresistible and not responsible, for more than twenty years. I was influenced into it by a world that does not give girls or women a lot of room to be sexual, to explore sexuality, without being labeled something ugly. And I was influenced by it by not trying to imagine who I could be if I was awake and responsible sexually.

My fantasies are more diverse now, but I did not get rid of this one. It still excites me to imagine I am deeply desirable to my lover, even painfully so, and that I don't have to know what to do or say in order to be pleasurable to him. But I now include imagining I am the one who knows (admittedly, he has helped me by encouraging me to know, and patiently helping me do so) and I am wide awake sexually.

Our fantasies are born out of a truly intimate place but they are not without outside influence. And they are powerful tools for our own sexual understanding and growth.

Once upon a time there was a winged fairy who lived alone in the woods. A quiet man stumbled upon her and watched her, then touched her, then entered her. Entered her dreams, when awake and asleep.

Together, they became.
They became, together.

Author Credentials:

Tsara Shelton, author of Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself, is a contributing editor to SexualDiversity.org

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