The Art of Saying No and Learning to Hear It

Author: Tsara Shelton
Author Contact: Sexual Diversity (SexualDiversity.org)
Published: 2nd Apr 2026
Peer-Reviewed Publication: N/A
Additional References: Tsara's Column Publications

Summary: Why saying no clearly and hearing it without anger matters in families, relationships, and everyday life - and how to practice both with confidence.

---

Main Document

I have a stepdaughter who was seventeen when I met her and nearly eighteen when I began living with her.

Our relationship began with the expectation of distance. She was living with her mom, several blocks away, and her dad had left her mom to be in a relationship with me. So, I fully expected to rarely see her physically and for her to keep me at arms length emotionally.

Yet she quickly became desirous of my company, even needy for it.

In the beginning, in large part due to my expectation of distance but also because it is me to do so, I was actively welcoming and entirely available. With both my time and my heart.

But I did not know her and made assumptions about our interactions, drawing on communication with the family and friends I have known over the course of my life as my foundation. Translating my experiences of communicating with them into my understanding of communicating with her.

As she spent more and more time with me - quickly moving in with us and nearly never visiting her mom - it became clear I would have to change my style of communication. With her at least.

It became clear that while I had been misunderstanding her, she had also been misunderstanding me.

As my regular readers know, I have four adult sons. I raised them with a greediness for their nearness and huge helpings of my natural tendency toward gentleness and joy. My habit of spinning things toward a nice reason, a good direction, was the most prominent tenet of my parenting style. (This is not always a good thing, but it is my nature.)

My sons did not always listen to me when I gave directions, they most often did not do as I asked, but they did hear me and know basically what I expected in our home. I guess what I'm saying is: they knew they were not listening to me when they were not listening to me.

In the case of my stepdaughter, things are different.

My preference for gentleness and joy is most often interpreted by her as I don't mean it or I'm joking.

In her defence, I have often employed the "nervous giggle" when asking for things or saying no to behaviors. The giggle is meant to soften the blow of saying no, or asking someone to change, or telling someone they are doing something you don't like. This is a bad habit, it signals to yourself that you think you are not being nice so you have to show some sign of niceness along the way, when in truth telling people how you do or don't want to be treated is nice.

Also, the giggle signals to others that you are not being serious, you are being silly. After all, you giggled.

This is a habit I have mostly quit. But, darn it! It persists.

However, as a woman with four grown sons (and five spectacular grandchildren) I am practiced in the art of saying what I want with clarity and a firm kindness. And in insisting on it when necessary.

I understand that a person does not know what another person wants if that person does not tell them. So, I tell them.

But my stepdaughter does not believe I mean it when I say things gently. When I ask her to stop sending me TikToks, clean up after herself, or generally pitch in around the house, for example. She doesn't believe I mean it until I am lecture-y, edgy, or even angry.

When I've asked her about this, she's said if I don't get mad when she forgets to do the thing I asked, or when I remind her gently and with a joke, she thinks I'm not serious. If she doesn't like what I'm saying, and I don't say it angry, she assumes it doesn't matter to me or I didn't really care. In her mind, if I really cared, I'd be mad.

I do not like this. It is not how I want to live.

But -

It is excellent practice. For both of us.

As people we must practice saying no, being clear and strong, and we must practice hearing and believing no in its variety of styles.

There are so many times a person has been abused due to the scary uncomfortable confusion that exists in this space.

This space where we feel uncertain of where the lines are.

Did you say no because you mean it? Is this a time to fight for what you want? What you don't want? Are you being unreasonable? Did the person change their mind? Did you change your mind?

Whether it is a situation as benign seeming as asking someone to help around the house, or as traumatic as date rape, this is a dynamic we must practice.

Saying no to behaviors is how we teach and tell our environment what behaviors we will not allow.

"To sin by silence when we should protest makes cowards out of men." ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

When we don't say no clearly we are at risk of lying. Not only when saying no but also when giving direction. If we do not speak up well, with clarity and without a nervous giggle, we are lost in the possibility of saying yes.

If we offer flaky lip service to not wanting something, to preferring something else, but we do not say it with authority and confidence, we are at risk of lying to the people around us about how much the thing we are talking about matters. After all, we do have things we don't prefer but don't really care much about. And we are often comfortable with compromise and even capitulation. How can the other person know the difference if we do not know how to say it differently?

We must also practice listening well, hearing no, getting clarification. Otherwise, we are at risk of being the oppressor, the abuser, the "bad guy".

I will continue to practice this with my stepdaughter - clearly, I still have work to do.

But more than me, so does she.

Saying what we expect and what we refuse is an art worth practicing.

Listening, caring, and acting accordingly is more so.

Author Credentials:

Tsara Shelton, author of Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself, is a contributing editor to SexualDiversity.org

Post to X Add to Facebook