Sexuality is Often Fluid

Author: Tsara Shelton
Author Contact: @TsaraShelton on Twitter
Published: 17th Jun 2021 - Updated: 6th Sep 2022
Peer-Reviewed Publication: N/A
Additional References: LGBTQ+ Coming Out Publications

Summary: If your child tells you they're gay don't presume they are jumping on a trend.

Main Document

It's Pride Month. If the energy and camaraderie of this gives your child the confidence or desire to come out, to tell their family and friends that they are gay, trans, nonbinary, bisexual, asexual, queer - I have a simple suggestion: believe them and don't try to change them.

Believe them and avoid questions like "Are you sure?" or "Who made you think that?" Accept their version of who they tell you they are, appreciate their courage, and give them space to discover.

Keep in mind, sexuality is often fluid. It can continuously flow, or flow and freeze and flow again. So if your child is gay today and nonbinary tomorrow, don't presume it's because they're making it up or just trying to jump on a trend. It's quite likely they're simply evolving.

If your child has been afraid to reveal their sexuality and struggled to understand it quietly then they have also been building walls and inventing stories to change, accept, challenge, hate, and love themselves. Coming out doesn't magically make those narratives disappear or push them easily into the past. Though it does bring much of it to the surface meaning there will be a fresh layer of evolving, self-reflection, and shifting to do.

And yes, as with all of our children, (but not us adults, oh no, never us adults <---sarcasm is fun) they could be jumping on a trend. It could be they want so bad to be an ally they take on a role, or they want attention, or they're simply curious. It can be tempting as parents to aggressively try to figure out which it is but I think that's a mistake.

Most of our children are going to try on identities in reaction to trends, and most of them will do things, make memories, that create issues they'll ultimately have to deal with. But we help our youth most when we accept who they are, ask how we can be good allies, and imagine futures where they are who they say they are.

In this environment of acceptance and freedom I believe our children are most likely to change in their own healthiest and happiest directions. It may be that they continue to be bisexual or asexual. It may be that they are and always have been gay. It may be that they don't quite know who or how they love but know they want love. I don't think this means we stay completely hands off and just nod in acceptance as they work to figure out who they are, particularly where our more socially challenged loved ones are concerned. This is a time when our guidance is especially important. (Though, admittedly, appropriate appreciation from our teens and young adults will almost certainly be lacking. <--- I say this from experience - both as a mom and as a once-upon-a-time-lacking-in-appropriate-appreciation teen.) However we should be careful, kind, and not overly questioning with our guidance. Also, we should be guides who are open to suggestions for change.

I think we're likely to be the most helpful to our kids by holding onto the knowledge that we love them while keeping in mind we want them to be caring and to be cared for in any relationship, and moving forward with them and that in mind.

In this environment I believe our children, our families, and our societies are most likely to change in their own healthiest and inclusive directions.

~

Pride is about who people love, not about sex.

Author Credentials:

Tsara Shelton, author of Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself, is a contributing editor to SexualDiversity.org

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Latest LGBTQ+ Coming Out Publications
The above information is from our reference library of resources relating to LGBTQ+ Coming Out that includes:
	Do Say Gay: Inclusive Sexuality Discussions Between Parent and Son Significance LGBTQ youth perspectives on how or if parent-child discussions at home about health and sexuality sufficiently meet their sexual education needs. Publish Date: 7th Sep 2022
	Why LGBTQ Adults Maintain Ties with Rejecting Parents When parents have rejected them why do many LGBTQ adults struggle to keep relationships with their families despite conflict and heartbreak. Publish Date: 8th Jul 2022 - Updated: 16th Jul 2022
	Sexuality is Often Fluid If your child tells you they're gay don't presume they are jumping on a trend. Publish Date: 17th Jun 2021 - Updated: 6th Sep 2022
	When My Son Told Me He Was Gay Tsara Shelton, author of Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself, writes regarding her reaction when her son comes out as being gay. Publish Date: 16th May 2020 - Updated: 21st Sep 2022