Book Review - Surviving Queer: A Memoir

Author: Tsara Shelton
Author Contact: SexualDiversity.org
Published: 7th Nov 2026
Peer-Reviewed Publication: N/A
Additional References: Literature Publications

Summary: Book review of Surviving Queer: A Memoir by Rian Kochel, a candid account of growing up gay in 1980s rural Montana, surviving shame, and finding authenticity.

When you are nine, surrounded by the world and learning what is expected of you as you grow yourself into it, but it is clear - because you are old enough now to know a little bit about who you are inside - that there is no space for a person of your sort, perhaps you will decide to get your father's help making a noose, march up to the room you share with your brother, and hang yourself.

That's one of the ways Rian Kochel, author of the memoir Surviving Queer, tried to take on the responsibility of ridding the world of himself.

Though his attempt to hang himself at the age of nine was not successful, a willingness to share his story with readers lands directly where I believe he is aiming. It reaches the hearts of the children we were when we were lost. It reaches and offers perspective.

The book - the chapter with that scene in particular - does an excellent job of dropping us into the place, time, and environment of the author's younger years. Drawing us into his rural American (Montana) home in the 80s, watching the AIDS pandemic play out on TV and hearing opinions aired openly, surrounded by a family that is simultaneously unique and familiar, readers are encouraged to travel to a time and place that plays a significant role in the raising of its people. While painting the picture of the influences of his time and place, we're reminded to do the same for ourselves, when remembering our own childhoods.

Though this book is specifically written from the perspective of a queer boy it invites all outliers to recognize themselves, to identify the elements that shaped them, and to ultimately forgive and shed their shame.

I really enjoyed reading this memoir. Each chapter is a story of its own, and each story reveals insights, vulnerabilities, and introduces interesting characters.

The youngest of five siblings, growing up in rural Montana with two working parents, Rian wasn't born into a welcoming space. Instead, he was crowded into a home built specifically to unbalance and undermine. And while it was not easy to be alone - he shared a room with his cruel older brother - he grew increasingly lonely.

He is barely an adult when he decides to venture out on his own and explore his queerness in New Orleans, Louisiana. It is memorable, he reveals himself newly, but he ultimately returns home and tries to put Louisiana in his rearview as more of an experiment and less of a discovery. It is not okay to be gay, most of the world agrees. So, he stifles himself again.

Even as he eventually moves on from hiding from his queerness, as he moves to cities that have more spaces that welcome him, more men to date, he continues to stifle himself. Trying to fit a mold that matches the gay man he feels he's supposed to be. This, of course, is something we can all relate to, but not to the degree it is expected of many marginalized people.

Surviving is something we do, but surviving queer is unique to those who have experienced it. Rian shares his queer experience with candor and insight.

The nomad life he chooses, the gratitude and sunset he shares with his audience, a deep desire for true (if elusive) authenticity combine to bring movement and lightness to each chapter. (The sunset is toward the end of the book, but it captivated me and now I bring it along when remembering all the chapters.)

Reading this book was wonderful for me, but living it would not have been. Thanks to the thoughtfulness and poetic spirit of the author, we are able to learn through his telling without having to live it.

Allow me this:

When I was twelve, my stepfather molested me. I knew the right thing to do would be to move out. Clearly, I was ruining our family. Nobody told me this. My mom only ever gave me the feeling she would believe me and never blame me. It didn't matter, I knew I was the problem. If I told, I would ruin our lives. However, I was too cowardly to leave. Instead, I told my mom and she kicked him out. It broke our family apart.

Now, forty years later, it's obvious how ridiculous it was for me to think that way, now I see how me telling triggered the mending of our family; took us on a path of learning about abuse and breaking the cycle.

But when I was twelve, I not only didn't know but couldn't know.

In Surviving Queer the author writes persuasively about how, at nine years old, he couldn't know there would be places in his world to welcome him, to want to know him, to love him as he was. Queer. Gay.

By inviting us into his story, Rian offers love and recognition to people still struggling with their own identities and desire to be themselves. He offers companionship to those on the other side of this struggle simply interested in recognizing kindred souls who fought a similar fight.

And he reminds us: our children are listening. Our children are becoming.

We must give them more spaces to occupy. More opportunities to feel valued.

We must not help them tie that noose.

• Surviving Queer: a memoir
• Author: Rian Kochel
• 114 pages

Author Credentials:

Tsara Shelton, author of Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself, is a contributing editor to SexualDiversity.org